Wednesday, September 26, 2012

we could have done better


the last few weeks I been moping around 
foolishly missing my teapot-
functional, stainless steel-
but when i saw it sitting on your new stove
in your new apartment
in the picture you posted on facebook
i knew..
i could do better.

******


the first night we kissed, 
I was overindulged & unable to drive my car.
i was in the midst of the deepest mourning of my life,
and i didnt even know it.
you took my shirt off
kissed me on your knees
looked into my eyes with fascination and desire
it felt good to be looked at like that
to be wanted
despite how much grief i was carrying.
I went home, 
slept in my jacket, on my bed without sheets.
and woke knowing what i looked like.
saw my home as it was- 
destroyed..
embarrassed, 
I knew-
I could have done better.

you asked me on a date and I accepted
feeling unusually nervous. 
i told my friends that i felt like you were going to bail-
you gave me the wrong address to your house,
i got caught in a moment of my own prediction coming true.
but then when i arrived

you had made lamb
polenta
 & bourbon
you wore that green shirt with little stripes
and asked me if i wanted a boyfriend.
i laughed;
 obviously  a NO;
went home,
keeping our date a secret.  
your attention felt nice, 
You are interesting and
i was turned on by your 
kisses-
your desire 

but your house was a mess
you had a bad reputation 
and my friends told me that i could do better.

I got you a cookbook for your birthday
chez panisse
fruit. 
we tried to make love
of course, i got pregnant.
On the day i went for the scheduled
termination
you made other plans
and i sat in the grass and wrote in my journal
all about how i wished that
i could have done better.

A whole year later
after those times you cheated on me
and broke my heart
and lied to me,
I convinced myself that trusting you
was the best medicine for our relationship.
we moved in together
and i set about “bettering” things.
like your habits
and the children’s habits
and your parenting
and your nutrition. 
and a year went by of me finding
endless amounts of things to better.
I could do better
and i would, for everyone’s sake.

In my mind,
i was problem solving,
identifying and 
mending conflicts-
marching down a path to the golden pedestal I yearned to be placed on.
i could do better, damn it
and i continued to push myself
to do just that.
I would be patient while
others broke down around me
i would be confident when others were unsure
i would be prepared,
generous, capable and able to contribute
no matter what sort of crisis I felt within or around me.
I would control myself, 
keep myself from slamming doors, 
storming out, calling names, making threats, running away.
Even when you exploded at  me
even when you told me you were done with me
i didnt believe you.
and no matter how mad i was at you
for all those times you failed to assert yourself,
for all the weirdnesses, 
the depression, the lack of communication, the lack of appreciation, 
I would have done anything you asked me to do.
“I could do better” i pleaded

then you were gone.

and now,
it’s me
in a shell of a home we made together
thinking about you
and so confused.
i feel discarded &
disrespected.
i am so angry


i want a peaceful world
a peaceful home
a partner who relishes in my strengths.
its so confusing to want you back
to still believe that you are 
who i want-
so i want you out --
knowing 
telling myself
that
i can do better.


be well
and let go
xxoo

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